Sorry for the error in the last edition. The article actually started with
“Celebrities are smiling but crying; laughing but frowning as such oxymoron describes their lifestyles so pardon my oxymoronic expressions. I wanted to ….”
“The first time Tubaba saw himself in a newspaper or magazine I’m sure his heart had jumped up and punched the air in delight .… He must have told family and friends to watch him on ‘Live Beats,’ a musical programme on TV anchored by Cally Ikpe in the late 90s. The name has since metamorphosed to ‘Da New Live Beats.’ Tubaba must have realized now that the same media that was a source of pleasure was also a mine of pressure.”
”Let me continue the series this week with an analogy:
A woman enters her home from an outing, visits the bathroom, had a warm, fragrant bath, wears sexy cologne and puts on a see-through, figure-hugging nightie. She came out of the bedroom into the living room, walks towards the TV just to advertise one of her gifts, her hips to her hubby. Goodness, her hubby couldn’t take his eyes off her hips, her travelling hips! Afterwards she came behind him, grabs him from behind and presses her bust on him. Her cathode on his right back, her anode on his left and passes electric current into him until his battery was charged, fully charged! She now brought her mouth close to his ears and with bedroom voice she sang, “Honeeeeey, I’m feeling horny but tired this night so choose between me and my meal?”
Even a five seconds old baby would know that the woman didn’t give her husband options to choose from. Was she even tired? Maybe, maybe not! Yeah, when you were planning to earn a living as a musician, actor, comedian, sports personality … fame, so sexy, feeling horny like that woman didn’t really give you options for she bombarded you with the gains of stardom so much so that you opted for it without thinking of the attendant consequences.
Now after the man had travelled the world with his darling wife in their ‘bedcraft’ and back he might realise he was hungry, empty and needs to fill his tummy if he’d not slept off. I therefore advise celebrities to sleep-off in other words log off and shut down to information flying around so as to arrest the pangs of fame which the media dishes out relentlessly. But don’t forget to clean and glean your personality on a daily basis. Add to your skills, go back to school if need be, attend seminars, read, research and be a better you. Travel abroad, feel at home, play hide-and-seek on the beach with the rising sun, walk the streets at sunset, go shopping and ultimately enjoy your vacations!
In Nigeria the first baby of the New Year in each state is celebrated and often interacts with the first lady of the state. She carries the baby and gifts him or her and of course the baby makes headlines, a flash of fame! There are many who enjoy fame briefly like people who contest and win reality TV shows but fail by error of omission or commission to consolidate.
Many celebs want to fill the big shoes fans create for them in many ways. The unmistakably sweet smile of Bishop Wale Oke and the designer smile of ex-governor of Osun State Bisi Akande make you want to borrow their smiles on your wedding day to impress friends and family. Same way celebs snap pictures with friends’ cars and houses and upload on social media to impress fans.
I have a terminology, “The Celeb of Celebs,” this is someone who by virtue of his profession interacts with celebs but is not as popular as the conventional celebs. For instance Lancelot Imasuen a movie director is usually behind-the-scene though he’s unknown to many in the general public but he’s quite popular amongst movie stars. He’s one of the brains behind the movies you see, just like the graphic artist, behind-the-scene, does the design of articles submitted by journalists, columnists. He arranges the articles, changes blur or small pictures to big, sharp ones, reduces or cut voluminous articles to size, adjusts font size and the like. I call them texts architect! Clarence Peters, the indefatigable music impresario, may not be known by Adamu Peters in Plateau but very popular amongst music stars. Zizi Cardow, Frank Oshodi, clothe celebs and very popular amongst them but they are not huge newsmakers.
When celebs are trying to lose weight to fit into a role or stay healthy, they have terminal illness, the case of RMD and Ngozi Ezeonu are typical examples. If the celeb is single and a ladies’ man gossips manufacture lies unabated, “…. your Casanova star don carry ‘yamayama’ disease for woman body and the disease don start to dey chop in body. One organ dey visit mortuary every week, you go see say he go soon peme and he never marry o!” If Toyin Aimakhu’s niece came to holiday with her you’ll hear on the grapevine that she had a love child in high school. If Uche Jombo chanced on her high school crush and they embrace casually in public it becomes news. “Uche Jombo Flirts Openly in Public.” Better still, “Lilian Bach Threw Caution to the Wind, Romances ex in Public.”
There was a time peopled rumoured that Sola Sobowale had been killed because she was caught with hard drugs in one of the Arab nations. That could be very alarming and devastating to someone making a legitimate living in the UK! All of us are actors, we act out our personalities on a daily basis but the difference between us and the professional actors is that career actors are good in diverse role interpretations for they could act any personality: sane or insane, rich or poor, literate or illiterate, Casanova or monk, hawker or nun so much so that you’ll think that is exactly who they were or are in real life. Forget the fact that these days some are being stereotyped. So you’ll have to be independent-minded not to believe the news conveyed by a gossip par excellence if she picks on any of these celebrities and tear to shreds!
The fact that American superstars are known worldwide is a stressful bliss – they are on the peak of Mount Everest being watched and worshipped and so they’re anxious not to experience the fall of Humpty Dumpty. Pasuma is known across the length and breadth of Southwest Nigeria from Ire to Are down to Ikire, watched in Iwo, worshipped in Owo, Googled in Owu, he receives calls from Ejigbo and Ikoyi towns in Osun, texts from Ejigbo and Ikoyi municipal areas in Lagos this is pressure at the same time pleasure the one that predominates per time actually depends on individuals but it’s a never ending relay.
Salewa Makinwa argues with her cousin Solape Magbagbe about Omotola and Genevieve. “Omotola is prettier, richer than Genevieve, in fact she acts better,” says Salewa. “Is it because people call her Omosexy? You can’t compare them, same way you can’t compare Scandinavian women who are ‘ajebos’ with Indian women the ‘ajebas’ based on their standard of living, lifestyles, orientations and how their men perceive and relate with them! The gulf between them is not 5 and 6 of Terry and Cahill of Chelsea. My Jenny, the queen of queens!” Solape finalised. The media compares Chief Commander Ebenezer Obey and King Sunny Ade in the 80s and 90s even till date; Messi and C. Ronaldo and by extension Saheed Osupa and Pasuma and the like which triggers anxiety and sometimes rivalry between the pairs.
When I see celebrities
I ‘see’ tongues racing – news flying!
Don’t be surprised if people say Desmond Eliot a Yobo – my nomenclature for one who has a Yoruba father and an Igbo mother was a pimp cum gigolo while in school and that Yemi Alade another Yobo, was a UNILAG drop-out. Ask Yemi Solade about the pains of stardom perhaps he might write a 500-page novel on it. Yemi Sodimu, a versatile entertainer must have had his fair share likewise Ali Nuhu a Kannywood cum Nollywood actor.
When an American female celeb is pregnant the whole world knows about it so it’s not only those in her neighbourhood that would hear her tummy screaming, “I fought with my hubby but he beat and bruised me so badly, now see me swollen like bread raped and impregnated by water,” but millions maybe billions miles away. Yes we all can see the symptom of the ‘manaria,’ so if the man is relatively unknown and we can’t see him at least we can feel his impact on the newsmaker, no thanks to the media!
When I see a pregnant celeb
I ‘see’ a Messi – having no mercy!
There are some newsmakers that double as noisemakers, yes the controversial celebs. They thrill the media much more than flying things: aircrafts, birds, kites and balloon impress kids. They always swim from one sea of controversy to another. These ones have immunity against the bites and stings of the media as it were. Conversely, there are some who were able to manage maybe password their private and public lives so much so that the media became a roaring but ‘toothless, clawless lion’ and in consequence they’re scandal-free. Oh, so sweet!
With the advent of social media, every Tanko, Tayo and Tagbo is now a journalist which seems to affect the professionalism of the conventional media. The media might have its weaknesses but overall it’s society’s watchdog, guardian angel. It induces justice, fights corruption, champions the cause of the masses, the oppressed…. So just like other life variables it has its positive and negative sides.
•Olayemi j. Ogunojo is the digital-age relationship cum life coach, public/motivational speaker and freelance journalist.