This edition is for married couples who want to save their marriages from collapse; those who want fireworks to sparkle in their bedroom and have paradise nesting 24/7 on their matrimonial beds and those who want to transform their routine bedroom experience to sizzling honeymoon ecstasy. As a relationship cum life coach, Psychology major and researcher particularly one in medical science I perceive this issue to be too essential to be swept under the carpet, put in the pocket to be forgotten or thrown in the wastebasket to be trashed.
Anatomically men are different from women; physiologically women are distinct from men though they come from the same source. By extension Amala and pounded yam come from the same source but they are different in colour, texture, taste and the like. Male and female have different personalities because their cognition, emotions and actions are different in many ways though similar in some ways.
I don’t condemn men for having huge sexual appetite or being sexually adventurous, same way I don’t chastise women for selectively choosing rich or comfortable partners because both are on a mission and that’s to preserve humanity for posterity.
The big sexual appetite of men tends to increase the quantity of human population a natural check against extinction as a result of epidemics, man-made or natural disasters and the like while women’s desires add quality to human lives for wealth makes life comfortable and enjoyable for them and their family members and this induce longevity. I believe these adaptive instincts are unconscious attempt to checkmate extinction and promote human dominance of our habitat and its inhabitants.
The bible says that the man should provide for his woman so it’s not a crime for women to choose men who would be able to meet their needs and that of their children but women are getting education and becoming more financially independent so sooner than later that idea may become obsolete. But by providence the primary role of men is to provide and women to nurture and I want to believe that the balance of nature would not be upturned for it could spell doom.
With advancement and civilization mankind is enjoying quality health, longevity and an improved standard of living unlike what obtains in the days of yore. In fact, nations are seriously watching and guarding against population explosion so men don’t have to sow their wild oats around anymore.
So with the evolution of human minds which precipitated revolution in science, mankind became more adapted to his habitat and with conscious and concerted effort he would preserve his environment for posterity so the human race may not experience the dinosaur syndrome.
Sex is a very serious issue to the family and society yet people discuss it in hush tones or shy away from it completely but it’s an issue we can’t do without in that the success or failure of any, every marriage is hinged on it and by extension it influence the quality of our lives. Love and companionship should be the foundation of every relationship but sex unarguably is the pedestal on which the romantic love rests.
What this means in a nutshell is that sex is indispensable between married couples if they are to connect and bond emotionally, physically and spiritually. Marriage makes two people become one in ‘theory’ but sex makes them one in practice. To this end, if you want to lead a successful and fulfilled life be ready to have a successful sexual intimacy with your partner.
I remember a married woman who used to park her car in a shopping mall, gas station or near an open market and takes a commercial cab to visit her illicit partner (who was a neighbour) on regular basis. Few days ago we heard the story of a man who felt his wife was unfaithful to him and therefore decided to hide a camera in their bedroom to record all activities that went behind him.
Unfortunately, the trap he set caught not only his wife, bosom friend, it ensnared him as well. How? He came back to check his trap only to behold his bosom friend tirelessly servicing his wife’s privates as if extra-marital sex would soon be introduced in the Olympics and he was preparing in advance to represent Nigeria and possibly win the Gold Medal in that category. The man couldn’t accommodate the event for he fainted and had to be revived by neighbours. How pathetic!
The abominable act men commit in marriage is having illegal wives and … children outside their matrimonial homes without the knowledge of their legal wives. The sacrilege women commit on the other hand is imposing the children of other men on their husbands. In other words they get impregnated outside and fool their husbands by keeping mute.
The long and short of all these is that most times poor or insufficient sex make people renege on their marital vows by being unfaithful. Many (if not most) separation and divorces in today’s world are directly or indirectly linked to sex.
So how can we solve this problem?
You need to know and master the personality and sexuality of the opposite gender as a template to understanding that of your partner, in order to qualify as a superlative soul-mate and extraordinary bedmate, the import of this article. Note however that no two people are exactly the same as far as sex is concerned. The summary of women’s sexuality is ‘slow and steady,’ that of men ‘glow and ready.’
Women are like charcoal burner – you put the charcoal in the container and put fire but you have to fan it manually or put where the wind is strong enough to change the charcoal to embers before you start cooking. What this means is that for a woman to glow (change from ‘black’ to ‘red’ the way charcoal does) like embers and be ready for sex, you’ve to fan her ‘coal.’ The fanning is foreplay! If you don’t, satisfying her is likened to using basket to fetch water in the stream – boys may do that due to inexperience but not men!
No hard and fast rule in life so there are cases women actually crave quickies.
When you take a woman on the journey of sufficient foreplay you prepare her mind and body for efficient hindplay (sex) what I call mind-blowing copulation. The cerebrospinal fluid protects the brain and spinal cord from shock, the amniotic fluid protects the baby in the womb from shock same with vaginal fluid. During foreplay a woman secrets juice into her privates which lubricate her. This protects her from wear and tear as a result of the in and out thrusts she’ll be subjected to. It makes sex enjoyable and increases her tendency to reach the peak of pleasure which better her chances of plucking the baby-fruit.
The clit is the female equivalent of the male phallus and the phallus is packed with nerve endings so is the clit. The phallus is primarily, highly sensitive to touch and touch triggers ecstatic explosions in men but men often forget that the clit (the female phallus) needs sensual and magical touch as well for her to enjoy peak pleasure.
The earlier you see the female sexual organ as a faculty with many departments the better your chances of becoming a holistic bedmate. The male sexual organ on the other hand is a single department not a faculty. Not allowing your wife to glow like embers by fore-playing with her sufficiently before taking her on a vacation to Sex Island, is comparable to someone forcing you to have sex when you don’t have an erection or losing an erection when you’re about to dive.
Frustration, right? Yes! One of the most remarkable things I learnt in Psychology is ‘Empathy,’ which is another version of the Golden Rule. Sympathy is I’ve an idea of how you feel; empathy – I put myself in your shoes so I feel exactly how you feel.
Our minds and bodies are connected and I strongly believe that they conference in the confluence! Food is sweet because events in our minds are delicious or at worst not bitter same with sex. On this premise, if you’re not satisfying her in the bedroom, she’s not happy; if she’s not happy with you sex with you is more of pressure than pleasure. In addition, if she’s not happy and relaxed with you she can’t connect with you emotionally … and the vicious cycle becomes real and green in your bedroom.
If your wife is on the big side and you don’t like plus-sized women don’t ridicule her instead assure her that you’ll always love and cherish her no matter what while you motivate her to lose weight on the basis of her health first and foremost. To lose weight you exercise more and eat small but regular meals. But if you have an underlying ailment please see your doctor first. Believe me the way men detest baldness, beer belly is similar to how women have phobia for fatness, cellulite and stretch marks. In order to be fair and just to her and to motivate her to lose weight and stay healthy ask her what is it about you that she detest as well and work on it with commitment. When you’ve got her back, her confidence is back!
When a woman sees that you honestly love her the way she is, she’ll feel at home with you and motivated to satisfy you. If a woman detest her body or part of her body, she feels insecure and anxious displaying it before you and this kills her libido. Remember the mind is an abstract, invisible sex organ which affects the workings of the concrete, visible sex organ. This lack of confidence affects the sexual performance of men as well.
Please never compare your partner with your ex or the model on the cover page of a magazine, the one in a TV commercial or a movie star. The truth of the matter is that no one is perfect for we’ve all got our flaws!
Win your wife’s confidence in bed and believe me she’ll give you her best in bed, kitchen name it. Men often make the mistake of believing that when they’re big ‘down there’ they’re automatic bedroom medalists but a man who doesn’t know how to use an AK 47 rifle in his possession may end up dead if an armed-robber carrying a revolver pays him a visit. However, when a man is big, it’s an advantage and when a woman is small, firm in-there, it’s all smiles!
Your TV has to be connected to the power source so that when you press the right button on the remote, it gives you the outcome of your expectation. A woman’s mind has to be connected to you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for your skilled mind, magical fingers and talented mouth to press the right buttons on her body to make her sensitive nerve endings pick the signals you’re sending and gradually but steadily electrify her whole body. This will make her see paradise and subsequently beg you to take her there.
You’ve helped her fuel and service her vehicle and interestingly yours as well now she’s happy, ready to ride with you for miles nonstop! Now men are not really fortified to last long but a selfless husband can still help his wife if he has a flat tyre on the way. Improvise and help the situation with your spare tyre. God who created men that way also compensated for that shortcoming. Be your own student, study yourself, train and discipline yourself and you’ll last longer. I believe with this it’s bye-bye to I’ve headache! or Oh, darling I’m tired! Better still I’m unsafe right now which is basically a plot to avoid connecting with you. Females of couples who share the same bedroom with their children may not be able to give their best. This is because of the presence of children and the likelihood of finding out ‘what papa and mama do in the dead of the night.’ Women are finicky and fastidious in the bedroom; their minds crave perfection to release the sex-mood locked up in them.
So men should be up and doing by making selfless provisions and sacrifices in order to get them in the perfect mood for sex. Transform their emotions, change locations, positions, actions to disarm the AK-47 carrying inhibitions in them. Remember those inhibitions are trigger-happy, they can intimidate, threaten and of course shoot and kill her sex mood at any given time.
An embarrassing case comes readily to mind. Yes a man ridiculed his wife in public during the day but went stealthily to her room at night to connect with her in order to collect pleasure from her. His wife had premeditated this so she prepared in advance. When he got to her room she sparked, exploded to the roof and dropped all manners of abuses on him and eventually walked him out of her room. It was such an embarrassing episode. “Tit for tat,” hey, I heard you! Women’s emotions have the mandate to their privates. You can’t expect her to connect with you sexually when the emotional connection is absent.
Women, men’s sexuality is like the workings of students’ electric stove. Once it’s connected to the power source and electricity begins to flow it glows red in matter of seconds. The electricity in the wire is the sex-thought in the male-mind which triggers spontaneous response in form of erection.
From another perspective, men are like 100 or 200m-sprinters like Usain Bolt. He’s big, strong and blessed with chiseled anatomy. Men are sexually engineered to be strong, fast but the distance they cover is not much. They run the race at the outset with their whole energy and shortly afterwards relax because their distance isn’t much. Women on the other hand are like marathon runners.
Stephen Kiprotich, the Ugandan Gold medalist in Marathon at the London Olympics is a typical example. He doesn’t have aggressive build like Usain Bolt and the Tyson Gays of this world. Women like the Marathon athletes start the race slowly, steadily but cover long distance. The distance of marathon race is about 42km can we compare this with 100 or 200m race of Usain Bolt? So women need to be understanding and think of creative ways to get and give peak pleasure. A balanced sex is one laced with the exchange of pleasure, that is give and take and not one-sided!
This article will not end here for I’ll still talk about it in subsequent editions. Men please note that Erectile Dysfunction could be a sign of underlying illness which needs to be treated before you can regain your sexual health and women should realize that their psychology (mind) has a lot to do with their sexuality.
As a relationship cum life coach, I always emphasise the need for couples to embrace open and honest communication in all facet of their affairs. Men are much more active than women and usually burn their energies non-verbally. In other words through physical exertion. Women burn theirs verbally because they do talk a lot. But I often wonder why they can’t sum up courage to voice out to their husbands, their likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Express your minds but be diplomatic about it. The word here is caution! Don’t bruise his ego and don’t massage his ego when he’s not doing want you want.
Believe me an average man wants to satisfy his woman, he likes it when his wife tells him in all sincerity that he’s good. Happy couples are healthy couples; healthy couples are happy couples!
Finally, HIV/AIDS is real! Remember that abstinence is 100 per cent protection for singles and being HIV-free and staying faithful to an equally HIV-free, faithful partner for the married checkmate sexually-acquired HIV infections which is the most common. Nonetheless, if you feel you can’t abstain or be faithful please use condoms. How? Correctly and consistently.
Have a fruitful, blissful week and remember to keep a date with me next week!
Olayemi Ogunojo is a relationship cum life coach, public/motivational speaker and freelance journalist.