I know this will shock some people but what do I care? We have not been fair to the President and his wife. Why are we persecuting them? And why do people want the President to quit the throne of his forefathers at the Aso Rock. Why must he quit? Who does he want to resemble or emulate if he quits? Which of the past occupants ever left the place dancing and laughing? Tafawa Balewa was a man of peace whose tenure ended not in peace. Yakubu Gowon was a prayerful man, praying for this sinful nation for good nine years until Murtala Muhammed and Olusegun Obasanjo invaded his temple. Muhammed himself was foolishly assaulted and assassinated by a man called Bukar Sukar Dimka (don’t you like the evil rhythm?). Then, our man, Olusegun Obasanjo, a man of fun and rum, left the throne after his date expired. He gave it to Shehu Shagari who was later eased out of the throne by Buhari and Idiagbon for his failure to check the vultures in his compound. One man called Ibrahim Babangida became Buhari’s nemesis when he pushed him away from the throne.
The impatient people of Nigeria did not allow Babangida to do more for this nation after his wasteful nine years that were full of transitional postponements. He therefore stepped aside for a business mongul called Ernest Shonekan. But a dictator named Sani Abacha did not find Ernest to be honest and so, he packaged him and his family back to Olumo Rock consoling him that Rock is Rock: from Aso Rock to Olumo Rock. But Abacha did what was evil in the sight of GOD, and the man expired without notice after eating some expired apples. Next came Abdulsalam Abubakar. He came suddenly and left suddenly without leaving much for history to record about him than his hurried transition. From the blue again, nay, from jail, the former man, Olusegun Obasanjo shifted accommodation – from jail to Aso Rock. He was there again for another eight years until some people started unloading some bags sub-regionally tagged “Ghana Must Go” which they said contained some money for a project called “3rd Term”.
Like all projects in Nigeria, the Obasanjo’s project whatever name it was called was abandoned since the initiator himself denied there was a project like that. Before he left, he gave the crown to a gentleman named Umaru Yar’Adua who did not stay much on the throne before he answered the ultimate call. It was after him that “Johnna the Messiah” ascended the throne of his previous fathers. Now, the messiah says he still wants to sit, but some members of the senior brother’s family are calling for a change. Where is it done that people change a Messiah? Since the death of Christ has any other messiah emerged apart from Jonathan?
Did somebody not tell us that Jonathan is our Messiah? How else do we convince these people that Jonathan is our messiah if not with his records of performance. So, let us show these “change agents” the achievements of our messiah. Please don’t be fooled by the recent fuel scarcity. It was the handiwork of the enemies. The man who speaks the truth always, Femi Fani-Kayode had helped us to expose them. Hear him: “We know who the fuel marketers are. We know the relationship that exists between one of the biggest marketers and a national leader of the APC… These unconscionable opposition elements infiltrated the ranks of the fuel marketers whom they have contracted in a calculated attempt to frustrate the good efforts of government…”
I was surprised that a man who calls himself the Executive Secretary of Petroleum Products, Pricing and Regulatory Agency (PPPRA), Farouk Ahmed could come out to openly contradict a man of integrity like Fani-Kayode. He confessed that government was actually owing the marketers but that it was not deliberate. He explained that the devaluation of the naira on two occasions was responsible for it. I am very sure that man is a card-carrying member of the APC. Even if it was true, was that the right moment to tell the truth? Have you seen anybody telling the truth in election period? I recommend him for disciplinary action.
As for the APC, they had no defence at all against the allegation of sabotage raised by Fani-Kayode. Instead, they started lying against him that he has health issues. This is what Lai Mohammed wrote about him: “…However, we are seriously concerned that Mr. Fani-Kayode may have hinged, perhaps as a result of a relapse, into an unhealthy lifestyle of substance abuse”. How can anybody accuse a fine gentleman like Fani-Kayode of substance abuse when all his friends know that he has never touched cigarette all his life. That is why I don’t like politics. Why should a honourable man like Fani-Kayode be discredited by his enemies because he is doing a good job for his boss. What baffles me is that some jobless boys in my neighbourhood were saying it is true that the man loves “substances” but since I don’t know what they mean by “substances”, I won’t join them to tarnish the image of a man of substance. Besides, I don’t have N5b to pay if the man decides to sue us collectively or individually.
I still maintain my position that Jonathan is our Messiah. The President has told us many times that there is nothing to change but that we should keep moving forward. Now, let us look at some statistics to show that we are moving forward even if it is into the valley. I know the opposition will disagree with me but I think the President has taken us forward in many areas. First, the opposition claimed in an advert that Jonathan met a national debt of $26bn, today it is $70bn. For GOD’s sake, is it a bad thing to move forward backwardly? Is there any country in the world that is not in debt. Nonsense. Illiterate people. What do they know about debts? Is debt not better than death? In the same advert, they said that the President met unemployment rate at 11.8%, today it is 24%. What is wrong with that? I was even thinking we are not moving forward in this area as fast as I had expected. I am sure that very soon the President will take unemployment rate to 70%. When it gets to that level even my jobless grandmother will be painfully employed. Again, the opposition claimed that Jonathan met Excess Crude account at $20bn, today it is $2bn. As far as I am concerned, this is not an issue and I am surprised that nobody in government has issued a statement to tell the nation how ungrateful we have been to a very generous man who still deemed it fit to leave $2bn in the account. Since the account was in excess, the President decided to take care of the excess Chikena! At least, he has not consumed the balance, only the excess. Why can’t they wait for our messiah to empty the account before talking?
Another accusation of the opposition was that the President met the poverty level at 54%, today poverty level is 71%. Tell me, who is a poor man? Is there any poor man in Nigeria? Yes, I have seen some people scavenging the dump sites, but are they poor? Is it not just a hobby? Was it not because of them that the government set up Sure-P which some nasty boys in my neighbourhood call Sure-Poverty. How is poverty Jonathan’s fault? Did the President not tell us that he had no shoes at some point in time. Now, he has many shoes. I advise them to see our President as their role model. They too will soon transform. Or is that not what the whole transformation agenda is all about?
In a few weeks time, it will be exactly one year that the Chibok girls were kidnapped. The girls who were kidnapped on April 15, 2014, had been in the custody of the Boko Haram insurgents. But thanks to our very compassionate President who has not been eating and sleeping well since the girls were abducted, we now know that the girls are still alive. Wait for it! The President assured us that the girls were still alive because the insurgents had not displayed their corpses to the public. His words: “The good story is that they (the insurgents) have not killed them because when terrorists kill, they display the corpses to intimidate the people… So, these girls are still alive. And so, we will get the girls… “ I have said it so many times that our President is a very brilliant man. He knows how insurgents and terrorists operate: that is, they display corpses of their victims whenever they have been killed. That is what ISIS is doing in Syria and Iraq. Even if the President cannot get intelligence information about the girls, their families can now sleep well based on this clairvoyance information. Shame on our illiterate opposition who cannot wait for the corpses of the girls to be displayed publicly before crucifying the messiah.
What is more, the opposition is also persecuting the adorable and beautiful wife of the Messiah. The President’s wife is being crucified for showing much love to her husband. In fact, the opposition has been very disrespectful to Madam Patience.
One small boy called Mallam Garba Shehu referred to our esteemed First Lady as an ‘incredibly crude woman’ for speaking her mind. Here are the sins they alleged the woman committed. At a rally in Lokoja, the First Lady told the crowd: “Vote for my husband, Jonathan. Do not vote for Buhari. He is an old man. People, when they become old may not reason well and their brain may even be dead”. Also, at a campaign rally in Calabar, Dame Patience instructed the people to stone all change agents-euphemism for “stone on sight”. Please tell me, is this enough to describe such a beautiful woman with attractive and awesome curves as an ‘incredibly crude woman! Chai, what an insult. These opposition people are only jealous of the woman because she can speak good English unlike the wives of both Buhari and Osinbajo who speak Queen’s English. Is Queen our leader here? Why must they speak her English? Our leader here is Jonathan, so we should speak Jonathanian English like “Princpal, na only you waka come”, “this blood you are shearing”, “chai, there is GOD o”. These illiterate opposition people now have the effrontery to call “my fellow widow” an ‘incredibly crude woman’ because she said they should stone people. Did they even try to find out if the order was for hunters chasing innocent animals in the bush? A decent and civilized woman like our First Lady will never say a thing like that when she is not from the jungle. Let us even agree for the purpose of mischief that “my fellow widow” is crude, is that why Garba should be rude?
Agreed that Madam Patience a.k.a. “Mama Peace” who is accused of encouraging violence, is not a medical doctor, but she is close to becoming an old woman herself, she should know those whose brains are not functioning properly. Remember that our Dame went through a surgery some years back and she held a thanksgiving service to appreciate the second chance GOD has given her, at least, to tell us whose brain is dead or whose brain is alive.
We have been moving forward retrogressively not only because our President is blessed with a very theatrical wife but also because he has some competent, hardworking, capable, intelligent and law-abiding disciples that surround him. Here is a list of the honourable disciples that love the President with all their hearts even more than Mama Peace: Chief Edwin Clark (Old soldier never dies), Doyin Okupe (John the Baptist who told us Jonathan is JESUS), Tompolo (Militant of Water Resources), Asari Dokubo (Militant of a University in Benin Republic), Bode George (Koro’s Punching bag), Femi Fani-Kayode (a man of substance(s), Yinka Odumakin (defected, nay, dejected activist), Segun Mimiko ((South-west Coordinator), Iyiola Omisore (Atari Ajanaku), Adesiyan Jelili (the author of “The Ghost of Bola”), Ayo Fayose (Buhari must die campaigner), Kashamu Buruju (a friend of the US who is afraid of going near their Embassy) and Gbenga Daniel (the man whose life secrets are locked up in Ibikunle Amosun’s wardrobe).
Mr. President, please don’t mind Bola Tinubu. He is jealous of you because he does not have such great men of honour and integrity as his own disciples. Yinmu!!
*Dr. Thomas teaches History at the Lagos State University (LASU), Ojo, Lagos.